The Tiny Terrors of the Internet

I have come to the conclusion that the internet is retarded. Ok, maybe not retarded… it is quite fast actually (except when trying to load whatever website or video I am trying to view; it always happen that that is the one site which takes and eternity). However, mainly the internet is generally quick, especially compared to what it used to be like when I was a kid. Do you remember the dial up signal? Oh, the agony!

But what I really mean, I guess, is that the internet is a great tool which has been poorly utilized in many cases. I wish, to some extent, that the internet had rules. I know that one of the great things about the internet is that it doesn’t and people can do what they want without censorship, but lots of the time this means that what they put out there is just stupid and frustrating. Not even mentioning the addictive travesty that is internet porn, here are just a few things I wish people would not do on the internet:

1. Tribute videos on YouTube (or any site) – What I’m talking about is those people who take clips or photos of something or someone who they like and put it to music. I think these are called Fan Vids, or some such nonsense. If someone likes that person or show, or what have you, then wouldn’t their time be better spent watching actual videos of it rather than wasting their time watching your homespun attempts (this is my nice way of saying crap-fest-of-a-clip-show). Also, some of them say things like, “I made this for [insert famous person’s name]” and I want to just shake them and say, “Is anyone so deluded as to believe that their idol will be trolling YouTube searching their own name and just happen to pick your video out of all the fan vids out there? Really?!”

2. Open comment boxes – Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to let just anyone go around and say what they think about almost everything? It almost always ends up with someone telling someone else they’re a F***ing idiot, or something else just as unproductive. There is no way you are ever going to win an argument on that type of thing. It’s not even worth trying. And people just use it to spout their own agendas, whatever they may be, with no thought as to what the original thing they were commenting on was. I think because they are not in immediate contact with the people reading it, people feel that they can say whatever they want with no judgement and no consequences. And mostly they can. But just because you can say something, does that mean you should? I am not opposed to people sharing their opinions online, but if that is your goal have a blog or website, don’t post it on someone else’s work. Also, I am not opposed to comment boxes, I just think that they need to be more properly utilized to comment on the piece of work at hand and not to spread your own view points or get involved with inane arguments. Also they are oftentimes used to spread hateful and twisted messages of prejudice and I just can’t stand that!

3. Turn everything sexual – You can’t really even search anything (and I may be exaggerating a bit) without finding sites, or blogs, or comments about how hot so-and-so is, or how much I’d like to do her, or about a million different perverted things. And I just wonder: can we not enjoy anything anymore without it having to be sexual? Can’t we appreciate music, or movies, or books, or just about anything without having to comment on how much it turns us on or how hot the actor, writer, character, or whoever is? The worst I’ve seen is people commenting on videos of little kids and saying that they’re hot. We wouldn’t stand for that in real life, why must we permit it online?

So, what did I accomplish with this? Nothing really, just venting my frustrations with the World Wide Interweb. Also I have demonstrated my ability to commentate on the bad aspects of modern culture with the best of the old fogies. And, finally, I have shown conclusively that I spend way too much time online or thinking about things which are online. I wish I had some sort of constructive solution to these things. But ,other than building a time machine and going back to the birth of the internet and putting into place some programs and guidelines with which to cut down on all the BS floating about on the web, I’d say it has progressed to far for any effective preventative measures now. Dang it! All this complaining for naught! Tisk. Tisk.

Chimera

Life is an odd beast

Which twists and turns around;

Flashes of feathers follow

Scaly skin slipping past.

Fingertips running over soft fur

And bristly leather pelt.

What is the animal?

Which part is what life is?

Which part is what life should be?

Nothing seems to follow.

A chimera, which unfolds

Only at the end of it all.

And what it reveals?

That, that is the beautiful part.

I have a new business.

Ok, so, the other day I was listening to the radio (to David Tennant and Catherine Tate from Doctor Who from their boxing day hosting of BBC 2), and they were playing this game called “I have a new business.” It goes something like this:

1^st person:          I have a new business.

2^nd person:          What’s your business?

1^st person:          Business of choice… Example: I’m a yoga instructor.

2^nd person:          And how’s business?

1^st person:          Punch line… Example: It’s a bit of a stretch.

And last night my brain went a bit crazy and while I was trying to get to sleep I kept thinking of new businesses. In order to get to sleep, I started to write them down, and was cracking myself up. So, here they are. I’m going to write them in short hand to save space.

I’m in ear wax removal… It’s building up.

I’m selling vacuums door-to-door… It sucks.

I’m a rare coin dealer… I don’t have two pennies to rub together.

I have anti-gravity hovercraft dealership… It’s driving me up a wall.

I’m an urban pig farmer… I’m bringing home the bacon.

I’m run an alligator refuge… I’m swamped.

I teach debt consolidation… It’s paying off.

I’ve started a pyramid scheme to sell double windows… Most people see right through it.

I sell ink for fountain pens… It’s all in the black.

I sell urine samples to pass drug tests… It’s going.

I’m an airplane designer for Orville and Wilber… It’s moving right along.

I sell electric blankets… It’s heating up.

I offer hot air balloon trips over Poland… The polls say I’m up.

I’ve invented mountain climbing rope made of recycled shoelaces... I’m pulling myself up by my bootstraps.

I have a lawn care service… I’m raking it in.

I’m selling souvenirs in the former Soviet Union… Everyone’s rushin’ to buy them.

I’m teaching shark-inspired relaxation methods to stressed insomniacs… I’m sleeping with one eye open.

I’ve become an indecisive judge… I can’t give a verdict.

I’m an insurance claims adjuster… It’s declining.

I’m making ignition systems for rockets… It’s taking off.

I’m a temporary pothole leveler… I’m just filling in.

I’ve become a corn farmer… The stocks are up.

I’ve been hired to water the grass in the early morning… I’m making due.

I drive subway trains… It’s going down the tubes.

I give Botox treatments… It’s decreasing.

I paint and sell geometric artwork… There’s always a line.

And last but not least, I have two just for the UK (where they call a supermarket line: a queue).

I sing the alphabet for money on the street… There’s always a queue.

I’m selling billiard tables and paraphernalia… I’ve always got a queue.

I'm back!

I haven't written anything (excluding papers and school-ish stuff, which I don't think counts really) for quite a while. And I miss it. I find in writing, especially in writing something intended to be shared with others (don't worry I have no delusions that people will actually read what I'm writing here)... where was I? Oh, yes, anyway, I find in writing out my thoughts I am far more capable of crystallizing my views and opinions and far more articulate and graceful in presenting them. Also, I can use my vocabulary without people laughing at me (at least where I can hear it). As dull as it sounds, I have missed blogging. If I am forced, I'd have to admit that, despite my pension to make fun of those who journal, I quite enjoy and find clarity and permanence in this form of journal. But I am not being forced, so disregard that previous statement if you wish.

Ok, what do I have to say? In honesty, very little. I guess I will record for posterity a report of the worst Christmas week ever. Ok, let’s start with the fact that I was sick with a tissue-wasting, sniffling-snuffling, mouth-breathing, sleep-stealing cold. Next, add feet of snow fall, a veritable and in fact verifiable blizzard. The next ingredient in this horrible week was the fact that because of the combination of the first two ingredients I have spent the last four days since Christmas Eve evening all alone trapped in my apartment missing several plans of Christmas times with family including a Christmas Eve Hors D 'oeuvres meal and Christmas dinner with my Aunt, Uncle, cousins and maternal Grandparents here in Omaha and a cross-country (or technically cross-state) trip with my sister and shall we say pre-Brother-in-law to join my parents and paternal grandparents for a post-Christmas Christmas celebration in Illinois. And thus I spent most of my Christmas weekend lying on the couch, blowing my nose into toilet paper (used up about four rolls of the blessed stuff), popping cold medicine, eating chips and salsa, raisins, and left over Tege Dege Na (a Malian dish, translated: peanut butter gravy) and alternately watching the twinkle lights on the Christmas tree and watching Doctor Who reruns on my computer.

There were two highlights: The multiple calls from family members and dear friends which made it feel like I had a bit of human contact during my isolated-desert-island style Christmas and, number two, the Doctor Who Christmas Special. I must admit the special was initially disappointing as it was the first half of a two-parter which always frustrates me to no end, leaving me shaking my fist in futility at the ceiling and croaking (froggy voice from the cold, you know), "Why?!" Also, the really big stuff is coming in the next episode. This one is more of a set up which left me waiting breathlessly for a sequel which won’t come until after New Years. Grr, I can hardly wait!

Adam and Eve

He is lonely

Though he doesn’t know the meaning of the word

He lies awake at night

There must be more to life then this work

He opens up his eyes

To see a face, to hear a voice he’s never heard

She is beautiful

He would do anything for her

Eternity finds it’s beginnings in this place

Love is lost and found and twisted

She is hungry

She tells herself as she undoes all his work

She knows its temptation

But it all just feels so good to her

Voices are whispering

She takes a bite, he looks imploringly at her

He is beautiful

But his is not the voice she heard

Everything is new in a plot as old as time

Life is lost and found and twisted

He is tired

He gave them life; he gave them choice and passion

He looks at them

The ones he loves, his life, his children

They do not see his pain

Their betrayal has torn the heart right out of him

They are still beautiful

He will do everything for them

Eternity finds it’s beginnings in this place

Life and love are given